what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
