If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
