Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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