The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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