Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex