Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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