I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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