the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
