i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
