i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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