I think I won the penis lottery.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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