the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
