cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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