I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
