Your mouth is God's brothel.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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