just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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