I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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