he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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