Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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