i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
