I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
