The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
