apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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