if only i could text you this smell
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
