I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
