i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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