My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize