This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Boobs speak an international language.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
