textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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