i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
