Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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