I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
