In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
