mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
