I am in a vortex of obligation.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
