I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
