Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
