We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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