Someone shit on the floor
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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