Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
