the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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