I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
