and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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