i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
