How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
