Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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