Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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