Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
