I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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