I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it