Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.