I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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