you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
