Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
