just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
