So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
