Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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