I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
