Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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