True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
