I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
