No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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