Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
